This is a question I've been asking myself for several years.
Growing up, home was at West Lawn Road, Livingston, NJ. This is where I was brought after I was born, where I went every day after school through nursery, elementary, middle and high school. It's where I landed every holiday and summer while I was educating my brain and my liver during 4 years of college. Outside of college, I've paid rent in 2 different locations - South Brunswick, NJ and Summit, NJ. I still own a condominium in West Orange, NJ which is currently being taken care of by renters. All signs have always pointed to NJ as my home.
As a child, I always wanted to be 'home'. I didn't really like going over friends houses, sleep overs, or even riding my bike too far away from the house. I hated when my parents went out to dinner and left me at night with the baby sitter, unless it was one of my sisters. If they were out, I couldn't fall asleep until my sister was in the twin bed next to me. I went to sleep away camp one summer, but spent most of the time homesick and not wanting to participate in any activities.
I've tried to pinpoint the time where all of this changed. I decided to go to college in PA, 2.5 hours away from Livingston, NJ. I had a boyfriend for 3.5 years, Jay Reinhardt. Jay was close with his family, who lived in nearby King of Prussia. Everything with Jay felt familiar. Something about that was stifling to me. I realized I had always been afraid to be too far away from home, from what was familiar to me, and always stayed within the lines. I honestly have no idea what made me realize this wasn't right for me. It made no sense, since every experience I had growing up pointed to the fact that I liked being in the lines, got stressed when put outside of the box and wasn't particularly fond of change. But something inside of me told me if I continued along that path, I would never be truly happy.
So I bought a mountain bike. For a girl who never played sports aside from quitting tai kwon do after not breaking boards during a test, this was a pretty big deal. Mountain biking felt great. It was the first time in my life when I looked at something that scared the crap out of me but did it anyway. I liked the way that felt. After Jay and I split, I became more independent. I hiked for hours alone. I drove across country with a girlfriend staying in hostels along the way. We decided to quit our jobs and go to Europe for 5 months. She decided to go home early and I stayed alone. I traveled with friends. I traveled alone.
I started considering moving across the country. It wasn't that I didn't like NJ. I do and will always defend NJ for its many strong points (close to beach, close to mountains, 4 hours from 5 major cities, etc). But I also felt as if living (for me) is about experience and there's only so much I can experience having one home. I felt most alive when traveling and being outside of my comfort zone, even when it was scary, so it was clear to me that I needed to get in my car and drive out of the box. I remember a conversation with a friend who told me, "You don't want to look back at your 30s and see sameness". This made a lot of sense to me. He was right, I didn't.
What I've realized about home is that it's about more than just where you grew up, where your family and friends are and how familiar a place is to you. If I am in Portland 20 years from now, or Big Sky, or Rio de Janeiro, Livingston, NJ will always be my home. I know most of my friends will stay in NJ, get married and raise families there. I know that when someone asks me where my 'home' is, I still say "New Jersey" loud and proud. The friends I have in NJ have proven to me that they don't care if I live under a rock, they will still be there for me when I need them and I hope that they know that the same is true in reverse.
Growing up, home was at West Lawn Road, Livingston, NJ. This is where I was brought after I was born, where I went every day after school through nursery, elementary, middle and high school. It's where I landed every holiday and summer while I was educating my brain and my liver during 4 years of college. Outside of college, I've paid rent in 2 different locations - South Brunswick, NJ and Summit, NJ. I still own a condominium in West Orange, NJ which is currently being taken care of by renters. All signs have always pointed to NJ as my home.
As a child, I always wanted to be 'home'. I didn't really like going over friends houses, sleep overs, or even riding my bike too far away from the house. I hated when my parents went out to dinner and left me at night with the baby sitter, unless it was one of my sisters. If they were out, I couldn't fall asleep until my sister was in the twin bed next to me. I went to sleep away camp one summer, but spent most of the time homesick and not wanting to participate in any activities.
I've tried to pinpoint the time where all of this changed. I decided to go to college in PA, 2.5 hours away from Livingston, NJ. I had a boyfriend for 3.5 years, Jay Reinhardt. Jay was close with his family, who lived in nearby King of Prussia. Everything with Jay felt familiar. Something about that was stifling to me. I realized I had always been afraid to be too far away from home, from what was familiar to me, and always stayed within the lines. I honestly have no idea what made me realize this wasn't right for me. It made no sense, since every experience I had growing up pointed to the fact that I liked being in the lines, got stressed when put outside of the box and wasn't particularly fond of change. But something inside of me told me if I continued along that path, I would never be truly happy.
So I bought a mountain bike. For a girl who never played sports aside from quitting tai kwon do after not breaking boards during a test, this was a pretty big deal. Mountain biking felt great. It was the first time in my life when I looked at something that scared the crap out of me but did it anyway. I liked the way that felt. After Jay and I split, I became more independent. I hiked for hours alone. I drove across country with a girlfriend staying in hostels along the way. We decided to quit our jobs and go to Europe for 5 months. She decided to go home early and I stayed alone. I traveled with friends. I traveled alone.
I started considering moving across the country. It wasn't that I didn't like NJ. I do and will always defend NJ for its many strong points (close to beach, close to mountains, 4 hours from 5 major cities, etc). But I also felt as if living (for me) is about experience and there's only so much I can experience having one home. I felt most alive when traveling and being outside of my comfort zone, even when it was scary, so it was clear to me that I needed to get in my car and drive out of the box. I remember a conversation with a friend who told me, "You don't want to look back at your 30s and see sameness". This made a lot of sense to me. He was right, I didn't.
What I've realized about home is that it's about more than just where you grew up, where your family and friends are and how familiar a place is to you. If I am in Portland 20 years from now, or Big Sky, or Rio de Janeiro, Livingston, NJ will always be my home. I know most of my friends will stay in NJ, get married and raise families there. I know that when someone asks me where my 'home' is, I still say "New Jersey" loud and proud. The friends I have in NJ have proven to me that they don't care if I live under a rock, they will still be there for me when I need them and I hope that they know that the same is true in reverse.
7 comments:
I heart Livingston
"But I also felt as if living (for me) is about experience and there's only so much I can experience having one home. I felt most alive when traveling and being outside of my comfort zone, even when it was scary, so it was clear to me that I needed to get in my car and drive out of the box".
I think it's very courageous of you to pick up at 32 and start over!
Some would say courageous, Corky. I think the biggest thing was realizing that there isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' choice. Fork in the road, take a deep breath and pick one, damn it.
I am all for your, travels it helps me pick my vacations.
Hey
are you biking out there?
that must be amazing...
Biking... well... yesterday it was 10 below. And everything is covered in snow. And ice. So not much biking. But my bike is in NJ anyway. There are only two words in Big Sky in winter: ski and ride (snowboards - not bikes).
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