SICKO STORY

I debated about even posting this, because I feel like at some point I may have to put it in my memoir and it would be a shame to ruin it. But the ridiculousness of it is too insane to withhold.

So, some of you may know that I went out on a few dates with a guy here in Portland named Ben. Ben has several jobs including real estate agent, health insurance agent and musician. If you look at what I just wrote it will say all over it, “STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN.” However, most people reading this know me and know that that is not how I roll. These are the men I gravitate towards. I actually said to Ben mid 3rd date, "You're the guy my mother told me to stay away from." His response was to smile and say, "I am". Usually I'm very skeptical when it comes to slick guys who know just what to say and when to say it. But I felt a certain underlying sense of goodness in Ben, so after our first date where I definitely sensed the slick, I went out with him again, twice more. Several days after our third date, I got a phone call from my friend Kim. She was sitting on a party boat in the Willamette River with a few friends and felt the need to call me when her friend Katrina began speaking about a guy SHE was dating. Kim became suspicious when she started telling the group that Ben's little brother had recently testified in front of congress. Kim stopped Katrina mid story and said, “Wait. I heard this story already this week.” She then proceeded to call me and say, “So I'm sitting next to my friend Katrina, who apparently is dating the same guy you are. Do you want to talk to her?”. What is the correct response to that question? “Umm, sure. Sounds great.” So Katrina got on the phone and we proceeded to talk for an hour, comparing our time lines of dating Ben. She'd known him many years and had always had a thing for him, and recently he'd come around and expressed interest in her. As far as I was concerned he'd never done anything wrong to me, we'd only gone out 3 times and he didn't deceive me or attempt to. But she seemed to be a bit hurt by his behavior. The point of this is that I've been living in Portland for one month at the time, I'd only been out with one guy, and he's dating the friend of a friend. You've got to be kidding me. I can see that sort of thing happening in Big Sky, not Portland.

So she dealt with him in her way and reported back to me. He eventually called me and apologized if the “Katrina situation” made ME feel embarrassed. My response was of course, I have nothing to be embarrassed about! In the end he convinced me to hang out with him again, even if it was just as friends. So we went out to see Sicko, which is interestingly enough about America's health care industry. Of course Ben had plenty to say afterward, since he sells the stuff and as he puts it is 'on the dole' for these companies and thus a part of the problem. He claims he'd gladly give it all up for socialized healthcare. The rest of the story will get blurry here, because it's not so much about what happened between Ben and I. But essentially we decided we should try to just be friends since he's basically not willing to 'take himself off the market' at this point, unless he has butterflies. So essentially he wants to be 14 again and I don't need to be a part of that. However, we have a great time together – we're like a comedy routine really. So it was hard to just chuck him out the door.

3 days later I got a phone call from Liz telling me they had apparently increased our COBRA premiums by 50 bucks a month. I was not happy about this because even though the COBRA cost was far less than what you'd pay for the same in NJ, I wasn't in NJ anymore and didn't feel I should have to pay over 200 bucks for semi crap insurance. I called Ben and told him I needed his assistance to find me something better. He told me this wouldn't be a problem, he would 'love' to help (of course he would, he's a salesman). Blah blah blah, we saw each other a few times that week which is more relevant to the dating side of the story than the point, so again I won't delve into details but it's sufficient to say that we were trying to be friends and I think it was working out ok.

The following Monday at 10pm Ben came over to review my health insurance options. We sat on my couch and discussed the merits of Kaiser vs. BCBS and a 2500 deductible vs a 5000 one. Eventually we settled on something in between that will not provide me with the free mental health services I will need after dealing with the rest of this story. It's interesting, debating about what parts of your medical history you can and cannot disclose in front of someone who is your friend/health care insurance agent/someone you were making out with a week ago. I was hesitant to list some of my medical history, and Ben attempted to make me feel at ease by lifting up his shirt and saying, “Look, I have fatty lymph cysts” while poking at a lump in his abdomen. Of course my response (I'm still me) was, “Does that mean you showed me yours so I have to show you mine?”. I disclosed what I thought was necessary and didn't disclose what I thought the Bush/Cheney team really didn't need to know.

After the insurance paperwork was complete, we watched The Daily Show and The Colbert Report while laying on the couch and he massaged the back of my neck. Isn't that what friends do, after disclosing their medical history to one another? Things could have gotten ugly, but thankfully Ben remembered, “OH YEAH, even though she's adorable and the best thing I'm likely to ever find, I don't have fucking butterflies and therefore don't want to date her. I should leave.” And he did.

The following day I woke up and had an email from Ben. The subject was my name the body was a forwarded message from the insurance company he had obviously passed my application to. The message from the company read, “Ben, Her application shows that her last menstrual period came over a month ago. Jane Doe's application got held up because of this. If this is true, it could cause a problem because they will be concerned she's pregnant. Please let me know”. Then, above that, was Ben's message to me saying, “Hey is this right? Do we need to make a change?”

I was sitting on my couch – wait, now curled up practically UNDER my couch – in disbelief that the guy I was making out with a week ago was inquiring about my menstrual cycle. I know what you're thinking, “Well, what did you expect?”. Well, it was a good lesson for me in terms of what an insurance company is looking for. I didn't think about it until much later but I also realized it was disturbing that I got to easily see what held up Jane Doe's application as well... so much for HIPAA (for those of you who don't work in health care, those are the privacy laws everyone in health care must adhere to. This was a violent violation of them). So I pick up the phone and caledl Ben. I tell him I got his email and that in fact that WAS accurate, that my cycle was a little sluggish these days since I arrived in Portland but that I wasn't concerned. (Yes, I was having this conversation with a guy I'd been dating a week ago). He said ok, well I'll just call the guy and tell him look, she's not schtupping anyone (I know, I know, I WAS DATING A GUY WHO USED THE TERM SCHTUPPING – this is why I rarely date jews). I responded, “So you'll lie?”. His voice got low and he said, “You're schtupping someone?”. I was like “HOLD UP”. He acknowledged this was a completely inappropriate question. I said who is asking this question, my insurance agent? My friend? The guy I was dating?? I said if you recall, I was involved in a relationship this past winter, and this would fall under the time frame of the end of that relationship, not that it's any of your business. Ahhh, right. I inquired as to what happens when one realizes they are pregnant and, in an attempt to better care for their child, they decide to get health insurance? His answer? “Automatic denial”. This is why I love my country. I found this rather depressing. His comment was, “Republicans only love you till you're born.” I explained to him that I had, in fact, taken a pregnancy test even though I had no pregnancy symptoms (I'd actually lost 5lbs since then), felt fine and any sex I may have had with my now ex boyfriend was well protected (mom, you'd be proud). Again, I had to check in with myself and realize who I was talking to here, these are things I would hesitate to tell my ob/gyn and here I am, telling Ben (if I didn't think my family was reading this I would take it a step further, but I'm going to hold back for their benefit). He says, “Oh, so this was like a real thing”. I said yes, it could have been a thing. But the test was negative and I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of me no longer having my friend around who I was incredibly in sync with, working out way more, eating differently and in general just having a completely different life. This seemed acceptable to him and his response was, “Can you send me an email and tell me you got your period today?” And he wasn't kidding. He was like “Well, the only other option is to wait and we don't really want to do that. So just say you got it and if you end up needing to go to the doctor to deal with it in a month, just tell him you got it then didn't get it again. Keep your story straight”. A SCRUPULOUS health insurance agent, at that. But the man was trying to help me out here.

So I went home and sent the following email to Ben, the man who had been caressing my thigh on my couch the evening prior (as friends, of course): “Ben, Good news! The eagle has landed. You'll be happy to know my menstrual cycle has corrected its imperfections and has arrived today. Thank you for your concern”. I then followed it up with a separate email just to him (since I knew he'd be forwarding that one) saying, “and thank you George Bush et al for your endless concern over my reproductive health. F-ers”. I figured he'd appreciate that.

I haven't heard from Ben since, so I'm guessing this took care of the situation and it won't be an issue. But I learned several good lessons from this experience including: There's more than one health insurance agent in your city – if you're dating one, find another. And Republicans hate babies.

Note: FYI, the eagle really did land this morning, which is why I can post this and not feel like everyone is thinking.... 'so does she not know that she's knocked up or what?'.